Teenagers can test even the most patient of adults. As they push for independence, they also bump up against the rules, expectations, and boundaries set by the adults around them. For many families this can turn everyday conversations into stand-offs and decision-making into drawn-out negotiations.
Professionals who work with families – whether in schools, counselling, youth services or mental health – are often asked the same questions by parents: How do I get my teen to listen? Why are we always arguing? What happened to the child who used to talk to me?
The good news is that most teen behaviour isn’t pathological or defiant. It’s developmental. But that doesn’t mean parents should simply wait it out. There are strategies professionals can share to help reduce conflict, preserve connection, and parent with calm authority even in the face of pushback.
Why power struggles happen
Power struggles are a natural part of adolescence. As teens develop autonomy, they begin to question authority, test boundaries, and assert their own views. This is developmentally appropriate but it can feel disrespectful, erratic, or defiant to parents.
Research in developmental psychology shows that adolescents are undergoing rapid changes in executive functioning, emotional regulation, and identity formation. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control and decision-making) is still developing, while the limbic system (which governs emotion and reward) is highly active¹. This makes teens more sensitive to perceived injustice, less able to self-regulate, and more prone to emotional outbursts.
The key for parents is not to eliminate conflict altogether, but to respond in a way that avoids escalation and supports long-term growth.
Choose your battles
One of the most common traps parents fall into is reacting to every minor issue. This turns the home into a battleground, where both sides are constantly on edge. Professionals can support parents to develop a “triage” approach: deciding which issues require action, and which can be let go.
A helpful rule of thumb is to focus on behaviour that is unsafe, disrespectful, or interferes with responsibilities. Personal preferences, moodiness, or occasional non-compliance are often best met with a calm reminder or ignored altogether.
Letting go of the need to win every disagreement doesn’t mean giving up on boundaries. It means saving authority for the moments that matter².
Don’t fight fire with fire
Teenagers often invite conflict through sarcasm, yelling, eye-rolling, or refusing to engage. When parents respond emotionally – by yelling back, over-explaining, or punishing in the heat of the moment – they inadvertently feed the power struggle.
Professionals can help parents adopt what’s known in behaviour theory as low expressed emotion: responding to conflict with brief, neutral, consistent responses³. This helps parents stay in charge without getting pulled into emotional drama.
It can be as simple as saying: “I’m not going to argue about this right now.” Or: “That’s not okay. We’ll talk later when we’re both calm.”
This technique takes practice, but over time, it reduces the emotional “fuel” that escalates arguments⁴.
Create a framework for difficult conversations
Many parents are unsure how to talk to their teen about big issues such as mental health, friendships, school refusal, and risk-taking behaviour. As a result, they either avoid the conversation or try to force it during moments of tension.
One of the most powerful things professionals can offer parents is a simple structure for having these discussions. Ideally, conversations happen:
At a calm time (not mid-conflict)
With the teen's dignity protected
Using neutral language (focusing on values, not character)
With genuine curiosity, not accusation
A helpful structure includes:
State the concern clearly and briefly
Invite the teen's perspective without interrupting
Work together to explore solutions or boundaries
Leave space: not every conversation needs to end in agreement.
When teens feel heard (even when they don’t get their way), they’re more likely to cooperate and reflect⁵.
What teens need most
At the heart of these strategies is a simple shift: from trying to control teens, to trying to influence them through calm leadership, respect, and consistency.
Adolescents need adults who can tolerate their discomfort without reacting, who can hold the line without turning cold, and who can offer guidance without overpowering. That kind of presence helps teens learn emotional regulation, negotiation, and accountability: skills that last far beyond adolescence⁶.
For professionals supporting families, these are the kinds of tools that go further than advice. They help parents move from conflict to connection, even during the most challenging years.
References
Casey, B. J., Jones, R. M., & Hare, T. A. (2008).
The adolescent brain.
Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1124
(1), 111–126.
Steinberg, L. (2001).
We know some things: Parent–adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect.
Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11
(1), 1–19.
Patterson, G. R. (1982).
Coercive family process.
Castalia Publishing Company.
Kazdin, A. E. (2005).
Parent management training: Treatment for oppositional, aggressive, and antisocial behavior in children and adolescents.
Oxford University Press.
Gottman, J., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997).
Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally.
Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Baumrind, D. (1991).
The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use.
Journal of Early Adolescence, 11
(1), 56–95.